More inspiration - Keeping it up

So I'm reading this tomatonation advice entry about someone who is beating herself up over having a letdown after a marathon and not exercising for a while after that. Suffice to say that she is being too hard on herself and giving yourself rest is the best thing you can do. I take a week off after a race and the next week I only do low-impact like the elliptical.

But key to this is making sure your goals are YOUR goals. One commenter recommended this guy as someone to keep folks inspired. I read the website and I am impressed. I am proud to be a penguin, knowing that I will be firmly in the middle of any pack I run. BUT I do better with each race and, on occasion, in costume. He makes a great point thusly, "We—the few, the proud, the plodding—very often train as much or more than faster runners. At a blistering twelve (or even ten) minute pace, a fifteen mile week represents a major time commitment."

As I've said before on the blog. It's about the doing. Our bodies are temperamental things. They retain weight. They react badly to medication. They get injured. Sometimes we can't control the body but we can control the mind. We can decide to do something. And we can decide to keep doing it. As I stay on this journey and get off course, the times I slack off means I get to start again. And in true penguin style I think this way, "The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."

In the words of Gloria Gaynor - "It takes a lifetime to become the best that you can be. There's no return and no deposit, so you have to like what's in your closet."

Bay to Breakers 2010 - Kicking Ass

So Bay to Breakers. This year I couldn't get it together to do a costume. It would have been great if I did because it was COLD. Andi Never get cold. But being in a wet t-shirt for hours means you are a little more vulnerable to the elements. The funniest thing that happened was seeing a dead ringer for Sarah Palin - bouffant hair, lipstick, glasses - asking for her picture and her asking me why. She wasn't in costume.

I thought I did fine. Probably better than last year but not by much. I was way back from the start line because my shuttle bus was late so the time one the clock was 1 hour 12 minutes (a little under a 10-minute mile pace) but I know it took me four or five minutes to get to the starting line. Hayes street hill kicked my ass but the rest of the course was flat. My first three miles ended up averaging 10-minute mile pace (because I was walking the first half mile because of the crowds. I really cranked it up the last half. My mile five and six were something like an 8 minute mile. I slowed to about a 9 minute mile pace in mile 7.

And the verdict? I finished in 1 hour, 6 minutes, and 40 seconds. That's an 8 minute, 56 second/mile pace. Sub 9!!!!! I would have never guessed but then again. Last year, with significantly less training I did 9 minute, 11 second pace. ROCK ON! It's seems to be a theme this year that I can't really gauge my speed and races seem to be a tougher slog. It feels like I am running slower but clearly I am not.

The funny thing is that the world is running faster because I finished 2875 out of 24303 runners and 726 our of 3201 people in my age group. That's worse than last year but it's all about the finish.

It's such a badly organized race. I will do next year for the 100th Anniversary and that's it. The logistics blow. I did a park and ride shuttle from Emeryville to SF that would drop you off at the start and take you back at the finish. Sadly, it was a mile walk to get to the damn pick up from the finish line AND it didn't leave until noon. Which meant I was sitting there in a wet t-shirt for two and a half
hours.

The hidden costs of Bay to Breakers is insane:

Parking for Park and ride - $10
Shuttle - $22
Replacement t-shirt to not get hypothermia - $15
A runners' fanny pack (because there's no bag check in) - $20

The best costume by far were two guys dressed as homophobe and hypocrite George Rekkers and his "travel companion."



And Jersey Shore references were thick on the ground at Bay to Breakers. Case in point:

This is what an athlete looks like

So this guy won an Olympic Gold medal on Friday in bobsledding. He won a medal that the U.S. hadn't won in 62 years and for those of us who like our men on the solid side, he's total eye candy.

His victory really shows how much we need to change our cultural lexicon when it comes to the image of health because it's a guarantee that his BMI would put him in the "overweight" category. Think about it, there are tons of football linemen, shot putters and wrestlers who are built like trucks. They trainer for horus every day and are in peak physical condition, but if most of us close our eyes, someone who looks like this:



isn't what we would picture. Both these people are Olympic Gold Medalists. Both train like mofos and are in peak physical condition. Both are healthy. And both would be labels as overweight. What is wrong with this picture? And it's not the two hotties in the pictures.

The conundrum

I am totally grateful for this blog because it does keep me focused on what I need to focus on. Case in point, since I've gone off the medication to control my blood sugar I've gained about 8 pounds and gone up a pants size. I talked with my doctor about it and he said that a beneficial side effect of the metformin is that it facilitates weight loss.

I've been at the same weight for two months so it's not like I'm blowing up. And on every other measure I am rocking.

- My cholesterol, A1C, and urine scores are actually better than when I was at my lowest weight

- I've increased my running from two 3-mile runs and a 5-mile run to to two 5-mile runs and a 7.5 mile run.

- My speed in the races improved dramatically.

So everything is going well BUT I was damn tempted to ask for some drugs to get the weight off. It's a conundrum. I need to celebrate that my body does well enough on its own (as along as I do the things I need to). The flip side is that I am pretty damn tempted to get back on drugs I don't need just to lose a few pounds.

Now where was that forest again?

Giving Thanks for Running

The theme for this Thanksgiving should be the Olympian - stronger! higher! faster! because I ran my ass off that weekend. Along with eating a truckload of food.

Eating
On the eating side of things, I did a sorta stupid/sorta smart thing - I barely ate anything leading up to Thanksgiving dinner. You see, I would be having real food professionals over for Thanksgiving. We picked up a maple and rosemary-brined turkey from Cheffie Mark. We would be having a cheese plate selected by the cheesemonger at the wine bar where Bellisima works. And a trio of soup shooters. And that's before we even sit down for dinner. So leading up to the big meal (and I mean BIG meal), I ate a grand total of 30 grams of carbs. 15 grams from a roasted pepper frittata and 15 from an apple. I also had a salad during the day. While I am sure it was playing havoc with my body and my metabolism, I wanted to eat my Thanksgiving meal with abandon. And I did. It was spread out over the course of six hours and all of it was delicious. The great thing about this meal (where we had a summit to plan the menu!) was that we all floated in an out of the kitchen. Noone was slaving over anything because we all contributed.

So yes, we started with the cheese and pate (homemade!) platter with onion jam, fig and raison compete and a red currant gelee. That was followed by soup shooters of tomato soup with a quark dollop, beet and carrot soup with a coriander sour cream, and a cauliflower soup with a bagna cauda drizzle. And then everything settled in our stomachs and we were already full. But we plowed on to eat mashed potatoes, mashed acorn squash, the aforementioned turkey, green beans, homemade rolls, and a kale and sweet potato casserole. We sent everyone home with dessert bags because noone could touch the pumpkin tarts or the apple cobblers. We spent the post dinner part of Thanksgiving nibbling on J's homemade truffles and cheese and pears.

The great thing about this was the bounty of vegetable dishes and the fact that J made truffles with dark chocolate which are intrinsically low-carb (although high fat). by the next morning my glucose level was a surprisingly low 97.

Running

Thanksgiving weekend also entail a good amount of running. On Thanksgiving day, Muffin and June actually found out about a 5K that was within walking distance of our house. It was a great way to start the day. This was a totally informal race set up my a neighborhood gym. No big clock or starting gun. To keep my ankles and knees ok, I run on a gym treadmill. It was definitely different (and more exhausting run on cold, hard concrete. And definitely exhausting to run uphill for a quarter of the race. But all in all, I ran strong and had a good time.

The Sunday after Thanksgiving, I ran the Run Wild for a Child race in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park. It was very interesting to run because I thought there were part where I was running pretty slowly. But in the end I ran the entire 6.2 miles in 51:41 minutes which is an 8:19 minute pace. This is well ahead of the 9:11 pace I ran for the Presidio 10K in March. Yay me! It's interesting to see how much I hate running up hills and how badly I am about gauging my pace.

I'm very Thankful I have this disease under control and am I very thankful I am in a position to get stronger, higher and faster. And, of course, thanks to all of you out there, especialyl stef, who's been an invaluable sounding board.

Rocking the test results

Saturday, I got my blood drawn and my urine specimened to see what progress I've made dealing with diabetes. It was about 13 months since I was first diagnosed and five months since my last set of test results. In the intervening five months I went off all medication regulating my blood glucose so any result I had would be purely based on my diet and exercise. From the title of the post, you know how things turned out.

Here's the one year ago picture:

A1C level (measuring glucose) - 9.7 (standard is between 4.5 and 6.0)

ALBUMIN/CREATININE ratio (measuring how well my body able to retain protein in the bloodstream) - 122.5 (standard is below 29.9)

Overall cholestorol - 300 (standard is below 236)

HDL (the good cholesterol) - 40 (you should be above 40)

LDL (the bad cholestrol) - 137 (you should be less than 129)

Triglyceride (fat in your bloodstream) - 650 (should should be less than 199!)


So what are the numbers today?

A1C level (measuring glucose) - 5.1

ALBUMIN/CREATININE ratio (measuring how well my body able to retain protein in the bloodstream) - 14.5

Overall cholestorol - 151 (standard is below 236)

HDL (the good cholesterol) - 57 (you should be above 40)

LDL (the bad cholestrol) - 77 (you should be less than 129)

Triglyceride (fat in your bloodstream) - 83 (should should be less than 199!)


So there it is. I have to acknowledge that the Albumin/creatinine numbers and the cholesterol numbers are affected by the medication I'm taking but my doctor and nutritionist say those things don't mean bupkiss if I ain't living right. And the thing is, living right isn't a punishment. Last week I ate CHICKEN FRIED STEAK WITH BEER GRAVY! I made sure to forego the mashed potatoes and have a double order of roasted veggies but seriously folks - CHICKEN FRIED STEAK. What started out as one hellish month and a serious fear of Splenda has morphed into a lifestyle with a lot of Splenda desserts. Thanks y'all for giving me a space to think these things through. Let's keep on keeping on.

Happy Diabetaversary

Whew, it's been a while since either Stef or I checked in. It's funny how the post-summer life starts getting in the way. For those of you who don't know that the Bay area does not follow the regular four seasons but ends up having something like 30 season throughout the year. Whereas most of you probably "enjoyed" a hot summer, the Bay area summer ends up being a chilly, foggy fall climate. Most visitors end up having to do a target run for long pants and hoodies. The funny part is that once September hits, the Bay area experiences the summer that the rest of the country put up with. You see, when the temperature in the rest of the state is summer, the heat gets trapped in the Central Valley and the weather stays firmly entrenched in the 60 degree range. Once it cools down in the rest of the state, our September ends up with temperatures in the 80s.

With that in mind, it was this time last year I found out I had diabetes. And shortly afterwards, I asked stef if she wanted to start a blog. In the past year, I've kicked diabetes ass and learned to love Splenda (like LOOOOVE Splenda). Here's a snapshot of my year living with diabetes.

September
After much crying and freaking out, I take the crappy Living with Diabetes class and learn how to monitor my blood glucose level and learn ways to control my diabetes. Stef and I start the blog.

October
I start hitting the gym on a regular basis and creating the food log. I realize I need to eat more regularly and space out my eating so that I have two snacks and three meals. My midnight snack becomes my savior.

November
I have a great time eating my first post-diagnosis Thanksgiving. Much turkey is eaten and people actually envy my splenda mocha panna cotta with sugar free chocolate mousse.

December
This is where diabetes just becomes a part of my life. The crazy ass blood sugar drops stop as my body adjusts and I meet with my super-awesome nutritionist. My first post-diagnosis blood result comes back and I kick some diabetes ass. I'm in normal range on all of my readings. I also travel like mad and learn how to have some semblance of normal eating and exercise while traveling (entailing many a 10:00 pm run).

January
I run my first race (a five miler) and do it in a sub-ten minute mile pace. I increase my running from two three-mile runs and a five mile run to two four mile runs and a six mile run. My test results come back and I am now beyond normal to crazy ass awesome in my readings.

February
Another praiseworthy month as I continue on the same path. I increase my running to two four mile runs and a seven mile run.

March
I run a 10K across the Golden Gate Bridge. The day is beautiful and I can't complain about running over a national monument.

April
I decrease my medication as my diet and exercise regime is doing a good job of controlling my blood sugar levels.

May
Bay to Breakers! Running on the steep hill for about a mile and still managing to run a sub-ten minute mile pace, in costume! Yay! My nutritionist tells me I can stop taking the diabetes medication.

June
I graduate from the diabetes program and my insurance doesn't think it's cost effective to spend one afternoon a month having a nutritionist praise me. J and I move and getting the the gym becomes harder. I still do it four times a week!

July
We get a dog and I have to add an extra hour of walking to my exercise regime. I also go into maintenance mode and cut back on the running and strength training. I get so good a Splenda desserts I poison J (who is allergic to artificial sweeteners)

August
I gain about four pounds but somehow go down another pants size. How is this possible?

September
New goals - 1) run a ten miler 2) Keep the food log and cut back on the fat 3) Pass a REAL health care reform bill.

Frank Bruni Interview in Salon - Thoughts?

So I'm reading the Frank Bruni interview in Salon. He gave this little piece of insight to his own challenges with eating.

I think people with eating issues can't imagine the constant temptation of being a restaurant critic. You work out a fair amount. But really, what was the trick in keeping off weight?

Being a restaurant critic helped me maintain weight and not gain weight, because I think my problem is the same as that of a lot of many people whose eating gets out of control in that I really kind of rode a sort of binge-purge roller coaster, and that roller coaster was facilitated by my ability to tell myself the lie that I was going to be really bad today and tomorrow and maybe even the next day because the next week I was going to do a cleanse or a fast. As a restaurant critic, I had to keep eating at a certain pace. By never being able to tell myself with any degree of convincing honesty that I was going to be great and do an ultra-ultra-extreme deprivation next week, I never allowed myself to binge the way I had in the past, because I couldn't tell myself with any convincing honesty or authority that sort of purge was coming up on the far end of it.

I think it does affirm a piece of what we try and say here - it's about the eating and deprivation isn't a great way to approach living healthy. It's a fascinating interview and really makes me want to go out and buy his book.

What are your thoughts?

Judgement Day

My in-laws were in town for a week and we all had a great time. It seems that my in-law trips come in two varieties - tourist and handyman. Either the in-laws are making drapes and assembling furniture or we are taking day trips to the beach. Considering we just bought a house, you can only guess what kind of trip this was.

With the massive amount of help we were getting from my in-laws, I feel embarrassed to admit a twinge of judgment and a bit of envy I have for my father-in-law who is also diabetic. He's been living with his diagnosis for three years longer than I have and his A1C is a healthy 7, great for someone in his sixties. Therefore, he does stuff like drink milk and eat desserts and eat more than a cup of rice in one sitting. It was slightly puzzling some of the choices, having a huge bowl of cereal with milk and then sweetening his ice tea with Splenda. I kept on wondering both internally and externally, can he do that?

Looking back on the week I realize it wasn't just curiosity that was promting the wondering, it was envy. How come HE gets to eat dessert when I am working out much more than he does? How does he get to drink milk? It's insidious, isn't it? Part of coming to terms with what is happening in your own body is knowing you don't have any control over anyone else's.

My father-in-law is over thirty years older than I am. His goals will be different. He's got allergies where he can't eat shrimp and tomatoes. I voluntarily don't eat dessert with sugar. Different limitations. I work out like a mofo and eat things like pork belly and pate. He eats cookies.

Here's my clarion call to myself as I go along this journey. It's not about virtue. Taking care of yourself is not about feeling higher and mightier. It's about eating delicious things like a vine ripened tomato with brie and basil. It's about running up these stairs knowing you ran up twice that length during Bay to Breakers. It's about feeling good.

So that goal thing...

Thanks Stef for posting the NYT article on the yo-yo of celebrity dieting. I've been thinking about it a lot. First there's Oprah, and then Kirstie Alley, Valerie Bertinelli, you'd better not get off of Jenny Craig of you're so screwed! But seriously, I am hardly an expert on dieting but please folks, stay away from any weight loss plan that involves anyone else making your meals. Because at the end of the day, you haven't LEARNED anything. That's a huge piece for me of this whole health thing. It's been less about pounds on the scale and more about learning things. Learning to snack. Learning to portion. Learning to NOT exercise and pace myself. Without the learning, what happens when you achieve the magic number?

Aaaand since, stef is talking numbers I've got some of my own. I reached the weight loss number my doctor (NOT my nutritionist) said I needed to control my diabetes. What is hilarious is that my glucose numbers were actually better ten pounds ago.

Here's some goals I've met:

1. Get glucose in normal range - Hell yeah!
2. Run Bay to Breakers - In costume no less
3. Get more fruit and vegetables in - I can eat my five servings in a single meal when I get my big salad

But it doesn't stop. I still keep a food log. I still test three times a day. I still eat enough vegetables to keep my farmer's market in business. But knowing I need to maintain the weight and not lose it, I've made some changes.

1. Cut the 7 mile run to 6 miles.
2. If you aren't feeling it, cut the five mile run to a 8:30-paced 5k.
3. Eat a croissant sandwich when work has a breakfast meeting.
4. Eat 45 grams of carbs in sushi form.

But still enjoy the rewards. I'll tell you this, on reason why I love exercising is the rewards I give myself after - 15 minute chair massage or 15 minutes sitting in the gym hot tub. How can I not look forward to working out knowing that's at the end of the gym session?

Now, however, I've stopped working my ass off. Literally.

Graduation Day

So yesterday I had my last appointment with my nutritionist. Looking at the numbers (even slightly elevated) she said I had the diabetes in control. In fact she said that the higher numbers were within margin of error and it was a strong possibility that my numbers hadn't changed at all. The only thing that was holding me back from graduating was my blood pressure. The water pill I'm taking is doing the trick and my blood pressure is 78/116 below the 80/130 that is the goal. It's so funny how I cling to the structures that are keeping me healthy. My nutritionist happily told me that I could probably stop taking my blood sugar medication and could stop checking my blood sugar since as long as I was eating what I allow myself to eat my blood sugar is fine. I told her I would cut my blood sugar medication in half by the end of the summer and try to go off of it by the end of the year.

It's scary to think that I wouldn't need to take this stuff. It's a scary thought to think of myself as healthy. I wish the media would allow for such complexity. My nutritionist deemed me healthy. I have a chronic disease AND I'm healthy. In the same way that I can have severe allergies that I need to compensate for and still be healthy. Health is such a complex thing you know. It's not just what your body can and can't do (process sugar, keep its blood pressure reasonable) but what environment and support you create to address your body's strengths and weaknesses. Like the blog title says, it's a lifestyle.

P.S. This weekend I'm running Bay to Breakers. I've decided to change my costume and go as Aang the Avatar. I figured that had to be a benefit for being Asian and bald. Check it out:

Dear Biggest Loser and Biggest Loser Contestants

I'm really sick of hearing how hard your life sucked prior to your ginourmous weight loss. This is getting to the realm of self loathing and disgust and I really want the Biggest Loser to minimize that kind of talk. Now that we're down to the final episode, we are hearing again and again how sucky it was to be fat and how their lives were stuck and hadn't started yet etc, etc. Fine, being fat is a barrier and being fat opens you up to health issues, harassment, and low self-esteem. But the thing is, I think it's totally counterproductive to rag on your old fat self and act as if your life before the weight loss was just this big black hole.

Losing weight is as much about forgiveness as it is about hard work. You have to realize you've ALWAYS been worth it. Otherwise, why would you even start? I think about my own gains in health. I'm doing it because I want to keep the life I've create for myself. And the life I've created for myself was done when I was 40 pounds heavier. Yes, as a heavier weight, I found the love of my life, created a great circle of friends, blogged, and moved forward in my career. My motivation for being healthy is precisely because my life is pretty kicking and I want to keep it that way.

I look at the Biggest Loser contestants and Ron is a member of the City Council, married with two kids and gainfully employed. Was his life really nothing before he went on the Biggest Loser? I doubt it helps to have them go over all the ways their lives sucked before the weight loss.

Ruts

Thanks Stef for picking up the slack. Given your increasingly mad skillz at the cooking it's no surprise that your nutritionist was giving you some thumbs up.

So what's with my radio silence? In a word: travel. In the last week, I've flown from Oakland to Alaska to Washington, DC and now I'm in a layover in Denver waiting to go back to Oakland. On top of that I had a nasty head cold that kicked my ass and had minor knee injury that sidelined me for the last two weeks.

I am here to be a huge fan of ruts. Ruts ROCK. Ruts that keep you accountable to yourself and make you feel just plain weird if you don't follow them. Because in the face of no being able to do cardio, I still did the strength training (abs routine and two sets of 15 pushups every other day). In the face of traveling and getting in to Fairbanks at 11:00 pm, I made sure to take my blood sugar. In the face of BAAAAD conference food, I turned down the breakfast pastries and went found a 7-11 that had hard boiled eggs and bananas.

Bay to Breakers is in a month and I get home tomorrow where I will then leave for Minneapolis on Sunday and come back Tuesday. I'm still plugging away. I am itching to get back on the treadmill. I am planning to do cardio every day, alternating running with the bike to build up may endurance for the big day. I am itching to make my low-carb almond meal pancakes and have a ginormous salad with walnuts, goat cheese and a riesling vinegar dressing. THOSE are the things I crave now.

Doctor's Orders

Timing is everything, right? As I'd mentioned, I finally had my physical check-up with my doctor this morning and I had a whole list of things to discuss with her. What I didn't plan for was that I'd get the nasty DC cold for the 3rd time this year 2 days ago -- so I did go to the appt, but mostly was a zombie with a runny nose, sneezing, with gross watery eyes and that "I habe a code" monotone. My lymph nodes are all swollen up, so I hope that combined with the cold in general didn't do too much to screw with my blood work and the appt as a whole.

I did go over the list, though, and here are the results...

1. I got a refill on the BP meds. It was up a little bit today, still in the normal range but at the upper limits - but I think that could be cuz of just feeling like crap and rushing to take a cab rather than the Metro this morning.

2. I did get a referral to a nutritionist, hooray! My doctor loves that I'm learning how to cook and was very encouraging about trying to find ways to make that work with my IBS.

3. As for my pain in the neck? She said it's probably muscle spasms, and may be related to the start of arthritis in my neck. My Dr. Dad had said that too but I thought he was just being gloomy - I don't want to think about arthritis already! But she said as a start I should do the things that make sense, lighten my purse, switch sides with it, stretch more, go back to doing yoga, etc. She said even in looking at me she could see that I scrunch my right shoulder up and out of alignment, so i need to work on all of that.

4. Here's the new thing - which I'm not going to stress about until I need to. She thought my thyroid seemed a little enlarged, just on the right side. This may be nothing, it may be enlarged, it may be hard to tell cuz my lymph nodes and glands were swollen already from this cold. But I'm going in for a thyroid sonogram next Monday just to figure it out. Not stressing.

In general, she reminded me that I need to get more exercise - but she actually never said the words "lose weight," and I appreciate that cuz obviously I *know* that's what I need to do. I really do love this doctor, and this was only my 2nd visit with her but I know she's got the best bedside manner of anyone I've been to. I had a *terrible* primary care doctor for years here in DC, who was just not friendly or encouraging or supportive at all, and i'm so glad I've found this new - literally -caregiver. Even as I was sick as a dog this morning and stressed about the stuff we were talking about, she kept things light - she asked about what books I've been reading (turns out we're both Malcolm Gladwell fans), she asked what I'd thought about the Oscars, she asked what the best thing was that happened to me so far in 2009 (I said the Inauguration). I love it, I love that she makes it a 2-person conversation and that she makes it seem like she's really interested in me as a person rather than just numbers on a chart. It makes all the rest of this stuff so much easier to handle.

The slog

All right for all of you healthy lifestyle folks. This is where I need some back up. This week, the healthy living stuff is feeling like a slog. Last night I had another crazy blood sugar reading and I realized I forgot to take my medication. Not good! Have you all had that kind of week? Where stuff doesn't come easily. I'm tired and sleepy in the afternoons, something I haven't been for ages since lowering my blood sugar. This morning I had a massive craving for a bagel, which I headed off by buying some plain yogurt and strawberries. And I need to work out today and really don't feel like it. This is the point isn't it? It's not always gonna be fun and the rewards are more process than outcome. It took me four months of uninterrupted progress to get to this point. The weight is plateauing and the blood sugar is slightly higher. I am REALLY looking forward to my appointment with the dietician because I want some advice. I also signed up for a strength training session with a trainer because 2009 is the year of learning.

So for you readers (and my co-blogger). How long did it take you to get to this point? How long did it take you to get out of the slog? Was it the numbers on the scale going down again? Did you just find a fun exercise activity?

The Setback

So tonight I had a setback. I had a 166 for a post-meal reading. Ideally, I should have a reading under 140. My post meal readings have usually been between 110 and 120. In the past two months I've had two readings above 140 and those we two or three points above 140. But 166? What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? I saw that my meal was on the high end of my carb content but my overall carb intake for the day is actually on the low side. Could it be at eating 60 grams will kick by blood sugar that high? I took the reading after I did my usual strength training. This just throws me for a loop. The big picture is that this number could be an outlier. The big picture is that I got diagnosed with a reading of over 200. The big picture is that 166 isn't an extremely high number period.

The hard part is the anxiety for the next reading. I'm pinning my hopes that this reading IS an aberration. The fear is that I will need to do something different. I have been trying so fricking hard and I hate having to step it up after stepping it up already.

It stings because I liked being the overacheiver. The success story that kicked diabetes ass. Four months of GREAT numbers and now this. The hard thing is realizing that you don't control things. You can do all the right things and you can do most of the right things and stuff happens.

Getting Hooked

This is hard to admit and even harder to frame as a problem, but I've been losing weight. After four months of lifestyle changes I've lost about 22 pounds. The weight loss in and of itself isn't a problem. Right or wrong (and I have my doubts) my doctor father constantly reminds me that if I lost a total of 40 pounds I could go off my diabetes meds. It would be a sign that with proper eating and exercise, my body can regulate sugar on its own.

Here's where I become a big, fat (pun intended) hypocrite. I've let myself care about the weight loss. I've been weighing myself weekly and got hooked on seeing the number go down down down. The problem is, my body is adjusting to the changes. It's been two weeks and my weight has stayed constant. Sadly, this is a source of frustration for me and I've weighed myself daily to see if the scale will move.

I'm writing this as a reality check to back off from the investment in the scale. It's addicting, that number. It's sad that number is our society's primary shorthand for health. There are other measures where I continue to progress - how far and fast I can run, the fact my strength training gets easier, the fact my blood sugar stays in range (in fact I forgot to take my meds one day and when I checked by blood sugar it STILL was in range). And there's the whole host of process achievements that I've rocked on and are now second nature.

So here's another set of goals for 2009:

Process
1. Maintain the healthy habits
2. Get training on proper us of weights
3. Get over my fear of going to the net in tennis
4. Take a yoga class which focuses on lower back and hip flexibility
5. Stop looking at the scale. No seriously. STOP.

Outcome
1. Run Bay to Breakers with a 10 minute mile pace
2. Make it to the semi-finals of a tennis tournament
3. Keep my blood sugar within range for the year
4. Bring my cholesterol down to 150
5. Bring my A1C down to 4.5

'Tis the Season of Old Habits

As my co-blogger shared below, the holidays are a great time to revisit -- and learn how to improve upon -- some of those old family habits that helped shape the lifestyles that we live today. Since I'm with the fam now and just salivating smelling the Christmas Eve dinner that's in the works (a ham, sweet potato casserole, homemade mac 'n cheese, followed by sugar cookies and mulled cider), it seems like this is a good time to share a few thoughts on how those family food ties that bind, only if you let them:

I come from a small family, with no real relationships with extended family, so it's always been kinda the 4 of us against the world. Yet, at our mealtimes, you might just guess that we had a family of 10. Portion size was never our strong suit, and I am reminded of this every time I come visit because Mom and Dad still serve our meals on platters instead of plates. PLATTERS. I kinda get that in the psychology of our family, nurturing = nourishment, and abundance = affection, or something like that.

My parents seem to really value being able to provide for us kids, which they've always done very well, and that sometimes manifests itself in the food they make for us. Large, hearty portions, high-quality ingredients, homemade. This is not a microwaving family, and Dad's always been an excellent cook and Mom's a darn good baker. So my whole life, I do believe that a lot of our emotional attachments to each other have been communicated through food. To this day, Dad will start calling (now he even emails!) weeks before I come to visit asking what I want to eat, so he can plan out a lavish menu of my favorite meals every day I'm here.

A few years ago, when Christmas fell at a time when I was being really good about WW, I realized that I just could not handle eating in Dad's usual way while I was here. Literally, after 3-4 days of huge meals of mostly proteins and starches (meat, really good meat, at every meal), I felt sick. My body just wasn't used to those quantities or that kind of rich food, and I finally just had to put my foot down. So, ever since, I talk more clearly with my parents before visiting about what kinds of foods I'd like them to have on hand for me to eat while I'm here, things that I'm a little more used to -- Egg Beaters, soups, veggie sides. And that's worked pretty well for a while.

Then, last summer, my parents' lifestyle changed radically. Mom has been a health food advocate for decades, so she didn't often eat the same big, rich meals -- but a lifetime of doing so led my Dad to the point of a surprise triple bypass, on top of his high cholesterol, diabetes and high blood pressure. Face to face with this crisis, Dad came through with flying colors and radically changed his diet. Heck - he lost somethingl ike 50 pounds and climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro! He's doing great!

They now have very different kinds of foods in the house, which means my experience visiting is almost reversed -- in that I'm looking for snacks or some of my usual indulgences and they're no longer here! I'm not quite ready to be just a fruits-and-nuts snacker, sorry. I actually now learn a few new healthy-eating tidbits each time I come visit.

But, it is Christmas, so again my parents are really putting on a full spread for me and my brother, with steaks and lamb and tonight's ham. So it's up to me to enjoy these meals and the love they represent, while still keeping an eye on portion size and making sure I'm getting enough fruits and veggies mixed in there with all the meats and potatoes. Doesn't seem too hard!

So, with that, I'm off to dinner -- happy holidays, everyone!

ISO A Better Balance

I've had this post in mind for a while, but I've been putting off writing it cuz it's about something that really gets to the core of my problems right now and it's hard to think about. One of my absolute biggest lifestyle challenges is that I have a hard time managing stress.

You know, stress, that cross so many of us have to bear. I've reached a point in my career where I've earned a certain level of responsibility and accountability and a position of leadership, and that means a certain level of stress comes along with it. I know most of the pressure I feel is something I put on myself, and luckily I have a great boss and colleagues who are all mindful of helping each other stay sane and not letting things get to be too much whenever little mini-dramas arise. (Let's just say it's not uncommon for us to call a "time out" and head out for a glass of wine and mini-burgers when things get too tense.)

But -- when you combine my levels of work stress with my natural, inherited tendencies towards anxiety and the fact that I don't have a very good work/life balance right now, well, that's when I have my sleepless nights, my unproductive obsessing over things, my eating binges, my muscle aches and pains, my exhaustion, and - ultimately - my high blood pressure.

Ugh. That's my problem, pretty much in a nutshell.

I know I need to make myself more of a priority in order to seek that better work/life balance. And what I need is to build up more of the *life* side of that balance -- cuz especially in the last few months, my life has consisted mostly of work or just down time at home on my own. I haven't been doing enough fun stuff, or important enough stuff, on my own time to divert my attention from work stress and help clear my head. And all work and no play has just not been good for me.

It's been harder this year, as a few changes have happened in my social life -- I had to spend a lot of time focusing on moving, my living expenses are higher now so I've had to cut back on going out, and many of my friends have had changes in their own lives like new partners or moving further away. So, some of the fun I used to have of just hanging out with people who lived in the neighborhood or could meet up for a quick de-stressing dinner just doesn't happen anymore -- none of us can afford it and we all just need to plan further out these days. What I have to make sure to do is actually make those plans, and make sure that I'm finding time for friends both to keep up the good relationships and give myself more time to focus on the fun, exciting, personal side of life. It's amazing how you can spend a few hours with friends and never even think about work at all - what fun!

And, I need to find more things that I can do on my own that are personally fulfilling and help balance out my work concerns. I used to take photography classes, which were great and really helped give me something that was more *my own*, but my work schedule does make it hard to plan for regularly taking classes. I am going to take cooking classes in early 2009, but it's more likely that I can fit in one or two day things rather than a longer commitment. Every few months I think about joining a church of some kind, but then I remember that I really am not a religious person and I'm just looking for a social outlet. Religious stuff tends to give me hives, in actual practice. Maybe another yoga class? Or a new book club through a book store? Getting back into the swing of going to lectures at different museums? Or just regularly-scheduled stuff with friends?

I have to find what works for me, both in my interests and my schedule. But I've got to do something, cuz I can't let my workaholism-by-default continue to take its toll.

Beyond Mortification

Okay, this is as tangible a sign as I've ever gotten that I need to change my lifestyle.

This morning, I broke my office chair. Good Lord.

Now, it's true that I kinda twisted and fell into it -- I didn't sit down normally, and I fell at an angle that was different than normally sitting. But still, I snapped the edge of a hard plastic chair.

That's doing wonders for my self-esteem right now.