So I had a call today from my substitute nutritionist. My regular nutritionist is in Australia for a month so her fill in called to check up on me. She doesn't have near the bedside manner as my regular nutritionist. She was very curt and short and pretty much went into full judgmental mode when she found out I hadn't filled my prescription for my blood pressure medication. For some reason, the pharmacy couldn't just mail it to me and I had to pick it up. On top of that, I was supposed to go to a drop in class for people with high blood pressure. I am delinquent on both counts. It was then she decided to go into full on scare tactic telling me that if I had continued high blood pressure I was at risk for kidney failure. My kidneys are particularly fragile being diabetic and high blood pressure was sure to fuck with them.
I'm trying to unravel my resistance to this new wrinkle in my health maintenance. It's not that hard, taking another pill and spending two hours in some useless class telling me to relax. But I haven't done it yet. I'm getting emotional writing this because I realize I am having a what the fuck reaction. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK. I exercise all the freaking time. I've lost a ton of weight. I eat enough fruits and vegetables to bankrupt Whole Foods. My blood sugar levels are not just normal but AWESOME. And STILL my body says "hey I'm still fucked up in some way." The substitute nutritionist said that this was something that lifestyle changes weren't making a difference on and that I needed to take another pill and monitor my blood pressure the same way I monitor my blood sugar.
And I hate it. I fucking hate, hate, hate that my body still is fucking with me. I hate that THERE'S ONE MORE THING WRONG WITH ME. The ironic thing is that in this same conversation, the sub was telling me I graduated from seeing a nutritionist. I so had my diabetes under control I didn't need to see a nutritionist anymore. Since she was calling me at work, I couldn't say how much I needed the crutch of having a nutritionist. I couldn't say it scared me not to have someone to talk to once a month and to tell me I was kicking ass.
What all of this boils down to is how scared I am of change. I'm scared of having to do more more thing to keep myself healthy. I'm also scared to letting go of the things I do to keep myself healthy. I don't need to check my blood sugar every day. I probably don't need to keep a food log. I could probably back off the on the running. I do it because it scares me not to. And on the flip side, I am scared of doing more. I'm scared that doing more means there are insurmountable hurdles that affect my health and once I run past this one, there will be another. If it isn't my cholesterol, blood sugar or weight, it's my blood pressure.
The first step is that I got the sub to call the pharmacy and get them to mail the medication to me. I will then take my daily allotment of blood pressure medication. I will then take a fairly useless class on hypertension.
It's all about plugging on isn't it?
Checking in / On the road...
5 years ago