Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Admonishment

So I had a call today from my substitute nutritionist. My regular nutritionist is in Australia for a month so her fill in called to check up on me. She doesn't have near the bedside manner as my regular nutritionist. She was very curt and short and pretty much went into full judgmental mode when she found out I hadn't filled my prescription for my blood pressure medication. For some reason, the pharmacy couldn't just mail it to me and I had to pick it up. On top of that, I was supposed to go to a drop in class for people with high blood pressure. I am delinquent on both counts. It was then she decided to go into full on scare tactic telling me that if I had continued high blood pressure I was at risk for kidney failure. My kidneys are particularly fragile being diabetic and high blood pressure was sure to fuck with them.

I'm trying to unravel my resistance to this new wrinkle in my health maintenance. It's not that hard, taking another pill and spending two hours in some useless class telling me to relax. But I haven't done it yet. I'm getting emotional writing this because I realize I am having a what the fuck reaction. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK. I exercise all the freaking time. I've lost a ton of weight. I eat enough fruits and vegetables to bankrupt Whole Foods. My blood sugar levels are not just normal but AWESOME. And STILL my body says "hey I'm still fucked up in some way." The substitute nutritionist said that this was something that lifestyle changes weren't making a difference on and that I needed to take another pill and monitor my blood pressure the same way I monitor my blood sugar.

And I hate it. I fucking hate, hate, hate that my body still is fucking with me. I hate that THERE'S ONE MORE THING WRONG WITH ME. The ironic thing is that in this same conversation, the sub was telling me I graduated from seeing a nutritionist. I so had my diabetes under control I didn't need to see a nutritionist anymore. Since she was calling me at work, I couldn't say how much I needed the crutch of having a nutritionist. I couldn't say it scared me not to have someone to talk to once a month and to tell me I was kicking ass.

What all of this boils down to is how scared I am of change. I'm scared of having to do more more thing to keep myself healthy. I'm also scared to letting go of the things I do to keep myself healthy. I don't need to check my blood sugar every day. I probably don't need to keep a food log. I could probably back off the on the running. I do it because it scares me not to. And on the flip side, I am scared of doing more. I'm scared that doing more means there are insurmountable hurdles that affect my health and once I run past this one, there will be another. If it isn't my cholesterol, blood sugar or weight, it's my blood pressure.

The first step is that I got the sub to call the pharmacy and get them to mail the medication to me. I will then take my daily allotment of blood pressure medication. I will then take a fairly useless class on hypertension.

It's all about plugging on isn't it?


Laura P said...

I don't even know your name, but I feel like I've gotten to know (at least a part of you) through your blog. What I've gathered is that you are inspirational and you are strong. Change sucks, but I'm confident that you can not only handle it, but kick it's ass too!
It sounds like you were handed a set of crappy genes when it comes to your health. That's the explanation for needing another medication. And that sucks too, but it'll be okay. (and WTF is the appropriate reaction to your substitute nutritionist -- I don't think that you really needed the scare tactics).
Anyway, keep on keepin'on with your awesomeness and I look forward to all of the great stuff you're doing!
LP :)

Stef said...

T - I totally understand the WHAT THE FUCK feeling. In fact, I had a really interesting conversation with a coworker the other day. She's got different challenges - ones that aren't quite figured out yet but are making it very hard for to be able to get pregnant, which is such an emotional thing already. And we talked about how having problems with your body is such a disconnecting thing - like that you feel mentally and emotionally disconnected from your physical body, almost like it's working against you at times. I could totally relate to her emotional deconstruction of that feeling, and it sounds like what you're going through, too.

I think you should keep doing the things that feel good for you - keep running, keep checking your blood sugar if that monitoring is a way to provide you with positive reinforcement. For example, my Dad is now 8 years sober and doing just fine on his own, but he still goes to an AA meeting almost every day cuz it's part of what helps him cope. You know the things that work for you, so keep doing them.

And learn more about the BP stuff (in fact, I'd like to know what you learn at the hypertension class) and with time you'll find the ways to incorporate all of the new stuff into what you already do.

Yes, taking medication sucks, but like Laura above me said -- Laura who happens to be a doctor -- sometimes we just get handed some crappy genes. It's not judgment or punishment, it's about finding the tools we need to be healthier. (I'm telling that to myself as I write it to you, too.)

You're awesome!!

Laura P said...

yes... "crappy genes" is the official diagnosis... I'll have to find you the ICD-9 code later ;o)

and Stef, you are both awesome!!!


DC Food Blog said...

Thanks you two for the encouragement. Kaiser's support system for diabetics kind of blows. It's only because Kim my regular nutritionist is so nice that I get the support I need. It seems that every other person working in their diabetes management department has to lay on the judgement.