The Admonishment

So I had a call today from my substitute nutritionist. My regular nutritionist is in Australia for a month so her fill in called to check up on me. She doesn't have near the bedside manner as my regular nutritionist. She was very curt and short and pretty much went into full judgmental mode when she found out I hadn't filled my prescription for my blood pressure medication. For some reason, the pharmacy couldn't just mail it to me and I had to pick it up. On top of that, I was supposed to go to a drop in class for people with high blood pressure. I am delinquent on both counts. It was then she decided to go into full on scare tactic telling me that if I had continued high blood pressure I was at risk for kidney failure. My kidneys are particularly fragile being diabetic and high blood pressure was sure to fuck with them.

I'm trying to unravel my resistance to this new wrinkle in my health maintenance. It's not that hard, taking another pill and spending two hours in some useless class telling me to relax. But I haven't done it yet. I'm getting emotional writing this because I realize I am having a what the fuck reaction. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK. I exercise all the freaking time. I've lost a ton of weight. I eat enough fruits and vegetables to bankrupt Whole Foods. My blood sugar levels are not just normal but AWESOME. And STILL my body says "hey I'm still fucked up in some way." The substitute nutritionist said that this was something that lifestyle changes weren't making a difference on and that I needed to take another pill and monitor my blood pressure the same way I monitor my blood sugar.

And I hate it. I fucking hate, hate, hate that my body still is fucking with me. I hate that THERE'S ONE MORE THING WRONG WITH ME. The ironic thing is that in this same conversation, the sub was telling me I graduated from seeing a nutritionist. I so had my diabetes under control I didn't need to see a nutritionist anymore. Since she was calling me at work, I couldn't say how much I needed the crutch of having a nutritionist. I couldn't say it scared me not to have someone to talk to once a month and to tell me I was kicking ass.

What all of this boils down to is how scared I am of change. I'm scared of having to do more more thing to keep myself healthy. I'm also scared to letting go of the things I do to keep myself healthy. I don't need to check my blood sugar every day. I probably don't need to keep a food log. I could probably back off the on the running. I do it because it scares me not to. And on the flip side, I am scared of doing more. I'm scared that doing more means there are insurmountable hurdles that affect my health and once I run past this one, there will be another. If it isn't my cholesterol, blood sugar or weight, it's my blood pressure.

The first step is that I got the sub to call the pharmacy and get them to mail the medication to me. I will then take my daily allotment of blood pressure medication. I will then take a fairly useless class on hypertension.

It's all about plugging on isn't it?

My Pain in the Neck

For the last several months, I've had a new companion in my life... a very unwelcome new companion. Every few days, sometimes lasting for a day or more, I have been having really bad pains in my neck.

Here, let me show you:

I know it's the trapezius muscle that's the problem. My right shoulder has been knotted up for a while, and when I got my massage over Christmas the therapist could tell instantly that I had problems there. I can deal with a knotty shoulder -- but it's the sharp, throbbing, mind-numbing pain I'm having at the very top of the muscle, where the trapezius meets the base of the skull in the back of the neck -- that's really giving me problems.

I think I know the cause - this is on my right side, and it gets worse when I'm really tense. This is my purse-holding shoulder, it's my mouse hand side, it's the side that I usually turn to to watch tv at home, etc. It's easy to figure out why the muscle is tight and tensed up.

I'll be asking my doctor about it when I see her next week, and I'm sure the answers will be to stretch more, to adjust my posture and position, and - of course - to lose weight to reduce pressure on the muscles. I'm trying to learn some new stretches now, and I've been playing around with my pillows and my seating arrangements to see what I can do. At the moment, I'm hopped up on a lot of ibuprofen and sporting the oh-so-sexy eau-de-CVS-brand-Ben-Gay. Awesome.

I was talking last night with a few friends, comparing stories about our creaky aches and pains and other maladies. None of us are 22 anymore, and we're all learning better ways to take care of ourselves. Just part of getting older, I guess.

Image source.

Dangit

I'm letting the stress get to me. Anxiety, not enough sleep, crazy-caffeinated-adrenaline, eating bad things at the wrong times, getting virtually nothing nutritious and eating everything out of a takeout container or a "convenience food" package, not even thinking about exercising and taking a cab home exhausted every night...

These are the lifestyle things I'm supposed to stop doing, right????

Blurgh. I'm working for the weekend -- literally, trying to get through a big event Sunday night then through the madness of the Inaugural in DC, then life starts to get to normal on Wednesday.

A time for Change, indeed.

You Know What's Awesome?

A really good massage. Seriously, there's not much better. It's a way to relieve stress, work out tension, soothe aches and pains, invigorate the muscles in your body, and give you some really quiet, focused "me time" to think about whatever you want, and I usually end up thinking good thoughts about ways to take better care of my body and myself.

I always get a massage whenever I go visit the fam, cuz Mom treats me to an hour with her regular massage therapist. (It's MUCH cheaper in Bloomington than in DC, believe you me.) Mom goes about once a month, and while that still seems like a luxury I can't afford I think it's time for me to find a good, reasonably-priced therapist here. Getting just one or two massages a year in Bloomington, which mostly just serve to work out the kinks from air travel, isn't enough.

I am looking for a variety of lifestyle approaches to help me reduce stress and improve posture, and thus alleviate some (I hope) of my neck, shoulder, and back twinges. In the meantime, though, I think it will be worth occasionally giving myself an hour to let someone else work the tension out.

ISO A Better Balance

I've had this post in mind for a while, but I've been putting off writing it cuz it's about something that really gets to the core of my problems right now and it's hard to think about. One of my absolute biggest lifestyle challenges is that I have a hard time managing stress.

You know, stress, that cross so many of us have to bear. I've reached a point in my career where I've earned a certain level of responsibility and accountability and a position of leadership, and that means a certain level of stress comes along with it. I know most of the pressure I feel is something I put on myself, and luckily I have a great boss and colleagues who are all mindful of helping each other stay sane and not letting things get to be too much whenever little mini-dramas arise. (Let's just say it's not uncommon for us to call a "time out" and head out for a glass of wine and mini-burgers when things get too tense.)

But -- when you combine my levels of work stress with my natural, inherited tendencies towards anxiety and the fact that I don't have a very good work/life balance right now, well, that's when I have my sleepless nights, my unproductive obsessing over things, my eating binges, my muscle aches and pains, my exhaustion, and - ultimately - my high blood pressure.

Ugh. That's my problem, pretty much in a nutshell.

I know I need to make myself more of a priority in order to seek that better work/life balance. And what I need is to build up more of the *life* side of that balance -- cuz especially in the last few months, my life has consisted mostly of work or just down time at home on my own. I haven't been doing enough fun stuff, or important enough stuff, on my own time to divert my attention from work stress and help clear my head. And all work and no play has just not been good for me.

It's been harder this year, as a few changes have happened in my social life -- I had to spend a lot of time focusing on moving, my living expenses are higher now so I've had to cut back on going out, and many of my friends have had changes in their own lives like new partners or moving further away. So, some of the fun I used to have of just hanging out with people who lived in the neighborhood or could meet up for a quick de-stressing dinner just doesn't happen anymore -- none of us can afford it and we all just need to plan further out these days. What I have to make sure to do is actually make those plans, and make sure that I'm finding time for friends both to keep up the good relationships and give myself more time to focus on the fun, exciting, personal side of life. It's amazing how you can spend a few hours with friends and never even think about work at all - what fun!

And, I need to find more things that I can do on my own that are personally fulfilling and help balance out my work concerns. I used to take photography classes, which were great and really helped give me something that was more *my own*, but my work schedule does make it hard to plan for regularly taking classes. I am going to take cooking classes in early 2009, but it's more likely that I can fit in one or two day things rather than a longer commitment. Every few months I think about joining a church of some kind, but then I remember that I really am not a religious person and I'm just looking for a social outlet. Religious stuff tends to give me hives, in actual practice. Maybe another yoga class? Or a new book club through a book store? Getting back into the swing of going to lectures at different museums? Or just regularly-scheduled stuff with friends?

I have to find what works for me, both in my interests and my schedule. But I've got to do something, cuz I can't let my workaholism-by-default continue to take its toll.

Snacks

T was asking about whether I use snacking to help control the kinds of crazy-hunger that can lead to overeating on big meals. I try to!

Although I do think the portion control problem isn't always related to hunger -- I have very big eyes, and I've never had any problem polishing off big plate of food if it's really tasty. I've been successful before at monitoring my portions when I just plan to cook for smaller dishes -- literally, use smaller plates and bowls instead of the big ones in the cupboard. So I can easily get back to doing that.

But this is a post about snacks. Another one of my favorite things. :-)

I snack when I'm hungry. I snack when I'm bored. The worst - and what takes me down more often than not on a workday - is that I snack when I'm stressed. My snacking varies whether it's a workday - and I'm planning for either what I have at my desk or what I can buy nearby - or if I'm at home, where I'm limited to what I allow myself to keep in the house. You can guess when I'm more successful!

Good Things I Like As Snacks:
raisins
apple sauce
little fruit bit bowls
bananas
oranges
apples
60-cal pudding cups
baby carrots with light dip

** I need to eat more of these things. I have raisins at my desk at work and when I am really hungry I do slam a box or two, which helps. Overall, as T suggested, I am better at sticking to a healthy eating plan when I incorporate regular healthy snacks into my day.

Bad Things I Really Like As Snacks:
chips, both potato and tortilla, with salsa or bean dip
popcorn
cookies, any kind homemade, but the store-bought workday temptations include half moon (also called black & whites) and Teaism's salty oat variety
Starbucks pastries or Teaism's ginger scones
ice cream

** I need to cut back on these things, or work to eliminate them as much as possible. That's where the compromise snacks below come in.

Compromise Snacks -- in between good and bad:
low fat popcorn
baked Lays, etc.
unsalted nuts
100 calorie pack cookies
frozen yogurt and Weight Watchers ice cream bars (they are pretty good)

** These do satisfy cravings and fit much better into a low-cal, low-fat dieting plan. But they don't always fit the bill, which is why I do try to limit the *really* dangerous stuff - like sweets and baked goods - to outside of my home. As long as I have only healthy snacks stocked at home, then I'm setting myself up (see T!) for success and only have to really fight temptations, urges, boredom, whatevs when I'm out in the world. That's half the battle. (Yo Joe!)

Quick Check-In

Hello my blog friends,

Sorry I've been out of touch. My parents have been visiting this week and it's been a very busy time overall recently. There have been some ups and downs, lifestyle-wise, that are all pointing to me really needing to work a little harder -- and as my motivating co-blogger reminds me, better set myself up for success -- once the parental visit is over tomorrow.

The good news is I've been walking a lot (in these freezing temps) and I finally have made my inaugural visit to my new gym. I've also had some very real (and painful) reminders that stress is my number #1 enemy, and I have some ideas to start working on that, too.

The bad news, frustratingly reflected on the scale, is that whatever good I'm doing isn't resulting in any weight loss. I think that as I'm enjoying more cooking adventures and working better and better quality and diversity of food into my life, I have to be more mindful of portions and overall intake. But when the food is so good it's hard to just eat a tiny bit of it!

So I just wanted to take a moment to let you all know that I haven't disappeared, it's just that the "life" part of the "lifestyle" has kept me from having enough time to sit down at the blog. I promise I'll be back soon!

Take care,
Stef

Stef's Story

So.... here's my scenario.

I'm 33 and overweight, and I have been pretty much my whole life. I love food - I'm one of those people that can feel rapture from a good meal, and food is my comfort when I'm stressed, sad, happy, bored, or otherwise feeling *anything* - and I don't like exercising. I prefer napping. You can see wherein the problem lies.

Up until the last year or so, though, all my usual health stats were pretty good. But, in the summer of 2007, my Dad had a surprise health emergency as routine tests revealed that he'd had a silent heart attack and had almost complete blockage of his arteries. So he very quickly went in for a triple bypass - at age 59 - and came through with flying colors. He's now lost a lot of weight, is incredibly active, and just a few weeks ago climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro. Go Dad! So, he's become both an inspiration and a bit of a cautionary tale in my life.

Following his health scare last year, I went in for a complete physical and found out that I had officially reached the level of hypertension (aka high blood pressure) and my cholesterol was too high. My doctor put me on medication to control the hypertension, and it's been doing a good job. But -- I'm not all that comfortable mentally knowing that I'm relying on a drug to keep my health in check. I was able to lower my cholesterol significantly last year through diet, so I know that I *can* make positive changes when I really focus.

I know the things I need to do:

- Lose weight.

- Exercise more.

- Eat more nutritiously - with fruits, veggies, and lean proteins.

- Reduce sodium overall - which is hard, cuz my favorite snacks are salty, and I don't cook much so most of my meals are either purchased or come from a box.

- Cook more. (See the previous two.)

- Cut back on portion size. (I grew up in a house where dinner came on a platter, not a plate.)

- Reduce stress. (Any ideas????)

I have found that I'm much better at accomplishing a goal when I intellectualize it, so for me it's been helpful to learn more about the science behind health and nutrition. Understanding causes helps me produce the desired effect, or something like that. And that makes it easier to take a lot of the sometimes overwhelming emotion out of all of this.

I'm looking forward to having a buddy as I start this new adventure, so I'm really grateful to T for coming up with this idea!

My next goal: I have my annual physical and blood work ONE MONTH from today. I hope to lose a little weight and have my cholesterol at a healthy level by then.